Bellarmine Installs Revolutionary New Doors in Library

In a groundbreaking decision, Bellarmine has installed new doors to the Library as a first step in making the campus more friendly towards people who lack the capacity for diagonal movement. The school's prinicpal who was in charge of the project said this about the project's significance: "Bellarmine has long been a school committed to the inclusive education of people who give us lots of money. As such, it is crucial that we recognize the difficulty that the Bellarmine campus presents to people who have no concept of diagonal movement." Students and Faculty alike are excited for the changes that this could bring to the school, and hopes are high that this could be the decision that reverses the trend towards the smaller Freshman classes of recent years. "While I am sure we are all aware of the great American tragedy that is our drop in attendance rates," a faculty member told The Hyena, "it is great to see our principal working to counteract this issue." Plans for future adjustments are already in the works, an anonymous inside source informs The Hyena. Next on the agenda? "The diagonal doors on the back of the A building are going to be replaced, but that means bringing the rest of the A-building up to code, so it will take a couple years of construction before this dream is realized." While it will undoubtably take massive investment, there is no doubt among the Bellarmine faculty that this has got to be Bellarmine's next step. As our fine principle said, of the ordeal, "Whatever the price, we will pay it if it means equality for all those who struggle every day with diagonal doors."