Finals, Mass, and a Conspiracy
- By Charlie Pasha
- Jan 18, 2018
- 2 min read
Gone are the sleigh bells that once rang. Gone are the jingling bells. In is a post-mortem depression of sorts. Once pregnant with the holiday joys, and then giving birth to January, the ugly baby of the Roman calendar. And with January, born 31 days, 1 holiday, comes finals–– the gross birth mark you didn’t notice until this week.
Finals are a stressful time for many and a relaxing time for the lucky “few”. If anyone says, “it’s just another test”, there two possible explanations for their (in)sanity: Either A) They’re screwing with you, or B) They’re screwing with you. There’s no way someone could possibly be prepared for a test so large, so daunting, that you might have to study before the night before. But hey, you could always just attend mass and see what happens.
Since the institution of Bellarmine’s Sacred Hour, students have gravitated towards finding creative ways to waste their time. The chess boards have become more popular during community period, alongside other fun activities, like “yardstick-and-paper baseball” and “complaining about Sacred Hour”. Students who finally have had enough turn to God. And with that, their prayers go towards finals. Since Winter Break, The Hyena reports a growing number of students attending mass. The administration's plan is working, but are the grades getting worse? Though far and few in between one student said before Mass began, “Yeah I mean instead of just printing up materials in the library, I just stopped turning in my homework all together.” It’s unclear whether this student was doing their homework in the first place.
Top senior theorists suggest a conspiracy is afoot among teachers and administration. “In order to have more students attend mass, teachers cranked up the course load while administration gave students less opportunity to work during school,” says one senior who wished to remain anonymous. “Oh yeah. It’s your classic theistic pump-and-dump. Give these rich kids something to pray about, and they’ll attend mass. Forget the chocolate chip cookies, just give an F in FamilyLink and they’ll turn to God. Complete return on investment, manipulating the market all along the way.” Another senior commented on the timing, “the timing is crucial, because now that we have finals right around the corner, the effect is multiplied.” This all results in higher attendance, and more prayers to be heard.
It’s unclear whether the record attendance will continue into the second semester. What’s certain from who I spoke with, experts suspect the end goal of this conspiracy involves the “Grad at Grad”, a suspected mind-control device responsible for controlling our behavior on the hill. More to come.
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