New Hat Regulation Sees Increase in Student Learning
- By Charlie Pasha
- Sep 5, 2017
- 1 min read
A new wave of positive learning has taken Bellarmine by storm after dress code reform introduced a campus-wide ban on hats. The ingenious removal of hats has, without a doubt, created a better learning environment for students. Our mathematician on staff at The Hyena ran the numbers: "Say a student wears 7 articles of clothing, shoes, socks, pants, etc. A student wears 8 articles of clothing if you include a hat." When you remove clothing, say a hat, this 12.5% reduction of clothing produces an obviously great return on your education." With this in mind, The Hyena recommends further clothing to be removed for the most efficient learning possible. The advent of "nude-learning" campuses are the next wave in education in America, and Bellarmine, as a private institution, has the opportunity to be at the forefront of modern education.
While the overwhelming vast majority of students are in support of this new mandate, some idiots have voiced their concerns. One senior, who should be well connected with God and love his school by now, gave quite the stupid reason for his opposition: "I mean, I get it when they tell us to not wear our hats in the halls and inside buildings, but outside is outside. My skin burns very easily."
Even in September, a few seniors have already begun planning their annual senior prank. "This year might be the year we take it to the next level. All seniors will show up to school wearing nothing but hats."
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