Corporate America's Largest Fraudulent Advertising Scheme Exposed by Bellarmine Prep
- By Lavender Gooms
- Oct 3, 2017
- 2 min read
Federal and state laws are currently in place to protect consumers from false advertising regarding the price, quality, or purpose of goods. For years, Big Business has gotten away with violating these laws. By the guiding light of God, however, the brilliant administration here at Bellarmine Preparatory has caught on to their scheme. Lululemon advertised those as “leggings”? Well, they’re actually yoga pants.
“Yes, you should consider hiring a lawyer to sue these evil, swindling companies—or perhaps ask Daddy nicely to do it himself. Yes, the seams on the outside of your yoga pants are grotesque hindrances to the seamless perfection you should seek in both real leggings and your soul. And yes, the subtle shine of 14 percent Spandex is, in fact, the very manifestation of corporate greed and sin in the world,” an outraged member of the administration affirmed. As such, Bellarmine-legal leggings “MUST NOT SHIMMER, GLEAM, GLISTEN, GLOW, RADIATE, TWINKLE, OR REFLECT LIGHT IN ANY WAY,” according to an announcement after the daily Examen. This seemed counterintuitive as the Examen encouraged students to reflect the light of God to the world, but “the temptation of reflective pants is yet another trick of Satan,” a trusted religion teacher confirmed. All students who willingly clothe themselves in these shiny athletic bottoms are choosing to buy into the elitist system which Bellarmine so staunchly opposes. Instead, Bellarmine requires its female students* to sport seamless, transparent, pure cotton leggings in order to send an empowering message: we see right through you, corporate America. Because Bellarmine has a long history of just and logical disciplinary measures, students who support this devious and powerful retail combine by wearing forbidden yoga pants will only be detained indefinitely in the office. The disciplinary board explains that, “rather than solving equations or writing essays as they would in class, students must instead use this time to reflect on the essence of life—both the very fibers which make up their clothing and, on a deeper level, their soul and how they have allowed it to be marred by corporate greed.” Most students gain a new perspective on life, graciously accepting unexcused absences, missed lectures, massive mounds of make-up homework, and the looming zeros on FamilyLink. “I deserved it,” one recently disciplined student confessed. “Corporate America just pulled me in—it’s a dangerous trap. We need to make America agrarian again.” In fact, many students are so moved by their epiphanies they decide to schedule Reconciliation to atone for their grievous sin. Truly, Bellarmine students will be prepared for the second coming of the Lord.
*This new policy is directed at female students, as leggings are prohibited for Bellarmine’s male population. The reasoning for this is rooted in the Bible. Deuteronomy 22:5 proclaims, “A woman shall not wear a man’s garment, nor shall a man put on a woman’s clothing; for anyone who does such things is an abomination to the LORD, your God.”
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