Catholicism on a Diet

Attention Bellarmine Catholics—Jesus is now available in a low-gluten value pack. After many complaints over the quality and presence of preservatives found in the consecrated host, Bellarmine has decided to take action. First step: offering low-gluten Eucharist for all Catholics. While this was originally implemented for those who are allergic to the wildly unhealthy substance, Bellarmine recently discovered the benefits of allowing a more nutritional option during the service's designated snack time. Previously, one could only receive Jesus with gluten, deterring the purest members from receiving His life giving qualities. "I love how Bellarmine is indoctrinating us with their self-proclaimed healthy eating habits. Now I truly feel that I'll live forever," an understanding student explained. Of course, this privilege only applies to Catholics, as those who identify as belonging to anything other than Jesus's Universal Church are on their own. When receiving a blessing, non-Catholics must put two fingers over their lips to signify that their souls are not pure enough to receive Jesus, with or without gluten.

The alternative Eucharist also has some unexpected positive outcomes. "As you may know, America is currently in the midst of an obesity epidemic, and anything we do helps. Also, we figured a healthier Catholic student body can really help in the possibility of an earthquake. We don't need anyone staggering around breathless in the event that a building collapses," an administrator informed The Hyena. With the A building's questionable earthquake safety and without any more wealthy benefactors to renovate another building, the next best thing is making sure all Catholic students are physically capable of evacuating any crumbling structure on campus.

Bellarmine's next steps are to obtain the sacred wine in 100 calorie mini bottles and remove all chairs from the chapel, since standing burns more energy.